Monday, July 2, 2007
It went where?!
During the first few weeks of nursing school, the instructors told us several humorous stories about mistakes previous students had made while in clinicals. Listening to these embarrassing stories, I knew deep down that in a year, they would be telling some sort of story about me. Unfortunately, I think I was right. This event happened awhile ago, and I wasn’t going to post about it because I thought it was inappropriate or would make you guys uncomfortable. But several of my classmates who read this site have convinced me that you guys are mature enough to handle it, so I will share it with you.
We had a female patient who had been constipated for almost a week. She refused to let the nurses give her a suppository because she knew it would hurt. I went in to talk to her, and after explaining exactly how it is done (or should I say, is SUPPOSED to be done), and that it should not cause any pain, just a little discomfort, she agreed to let me do it. I found my instructor and was getting ready to give her the suppository. I put on gloves and opened the little package of lube. I squeezed it all over the suppository so it would go in easier. This was a big mistake. Apparently, you should only put a little bit on the tip, because when you cover the whole thing with it, you lose any sort of control over where it goes (see the foreshadowing here?). My gloves were slippery, the suppository was slippery, but the woman was nervous and asking me to hurry up and get it over with. I should have changed gloves, but I thought it was better just to get moving. What could possibly go wrong? It was difficult to get her on her side, so I couldn’t get her in an easy position to do what needed to be done, but I thought I would try my best. She was also extremely nervous and tense, which just added to the problem. I tried to put it in, but she was just too tense. I asked her to relax, and then tried pushing again. As I was pushing, I felt the suppository slip out of my hands. Crap! I looked down at the bed, but didn’t see it. I knew for sure that it didn’t go in where it was supposed to go, so I was thoroughly confused. I had her roll over a little just to make sure it wasn’t on the bed. It definitely wasn’t. That’s when the awful truth occurred to me: it had gone in the wrong hole. Not far in, but it was far enough to stay where it had landed. I stood back up and made eye contact with my instructor. “Is it in?” she asked. “It’s in,” I replied, giving her a helpless, concerned look. She didn’t catch on and started walking towards the door. I had to speak up now and swallow all of my pride, so I just blurted out, “It’s in. But I think it’s in her vagina!” My instructor froze for a second, and then unable to control herself, burst out laughing. “It’s what?!”, she shouted, still laughing. The patient, unaware of what was going on, said, “It’s in? I didn’t feel a thing!” My face burning red, I had to explain to her that she didn’t feel a thing because it was in her vagina, not where it was supposed to be. Unfortunately, a suppository won’t do much good there, so I had to get it out. I do know my anatomy, so it’s not like I accidentally pushed it into the wrong hole (which did happen to one of our classmates a few months ago, and yes, I did laugh at him), so it wasn’t far in or hard to retrieve. It was just incredibly embarrassing. We tried again, this time without as much lube and with clean, non-slippery gloves, and forty five minutes later, she was no longer constipated! Although the outcome was good, I can already hear my teacher next August talking to the new nursing students, “I had this one student named Katie, and you would not believe what she did……” Well, at least they’ll never forget me, right?
Condenado un ecuatoriano por abusar de su primo, al que confundió con su novia
FROM THE SPANISH NEWSPAPER:
Un hombre de 53 años fue condenado ayer a cinco años de cárcel por abusar sexualmente de su primo, con el que compartió cena de fin de año y al que, aseguró, confundió con su novia tras emborracharse.
Los hechos ocurrieron cuando el acusado fue a pasar la Nochevieja a Málaga con su primo, su mujer e hijos. Cenaron juntos, tomaron las uvas y bebieron cerveza. Dado el estado su embriaguez decidieron acostarse vestidos en la misma habitación. El primo se despertó con los pantalones bajados y con un fuerte dolor en el ano.
Sobre él se encontraba el acusado. Se dirigió a la cocina, cogió un cuchillo y salió dispuesto a vengarse de la supuesta afrenta sufrida. Su esposa, que no entendía lo que sucedía, lo sujetó con la ayuda de sus hijos.
El acusado confesó ante la autoridad judicial que se equivocó de cama cuando se levantó a orinar y había confundido a su primo con su novia.
FROM THE GARDENER:
A man of 53 years was condemned yesterday five years of jail to abuse his cousin sexually, with whom he shared supper of year end and to which, he assured, he confused with his fiancèe after emborrachar itself. The facts happened when the defendant went to pass the Nochevieja to Malaga with his cousin, his woman and children. They had supper together, they took the grapes and they drank beer. Given to the state his embriaguez they decided to lie down dressed in the same room. The cousin awoke with the lowered trousers and a strong pain in the anus. On him was the defendant. One went to the kitchen, he took a knife and he left arranged to take revenge itself of the supposed undergone insult. His wife, that did not understand what happened, held it with the aid of its children. The defendant confessed before the judicial authority that was mistaken of bed when it rose to tinkle and had confused to its cousin with its fiancèe.